Am I in a Destructive Relationship?


I will use masculine pronouns for the destructive partner the sake of simplicity, though destructive partners are often female.

There are a number of MO’s a narcissistic or socio/psychopathic partner employ in a destructive relationship, as a response to your needs, complaints, or issues in the relationship.  One is that you are kept off balance.  You may be feeling desperate and alone a lot in the relationship because your partner has become more distant, disengaged, angry, and rejecting (sexually and/or emotionally).  Perhaps he has even become abusive.  But, if you complain too much or bring up suspicious behavior, you may find he has turned back into the lovestruck partner who wooed you in the beginning, being attentive, engaged, “making love” to you, or giving you gifts.  This makes you wonder if you were wrong about him distancing, or your suspicions.  You begin to doubt your perception as any trusting partner would, and become confused.  He is counting on your trusting nature to do just that.

Another MO of the destructive partner is to never take responsibility for a relationship issue.  If there is a conflict, or you bring up a need or complaint, or question a suspicious behavior, he may use escalated anger to stop the conversation, or turn the problem around to something you have done wrong, or say you are being “needy, paranoid, crazy.”  He may dismiss what you have to say as ridiculous, stonewall with silence, or walk away.  He will never admit wrong or have remorse for a behavior that has caused you hurt.  His blaming behavior may cause you to examine yourself, wonder what is wrong with you.  This is because you are willing to take responsibility in the relationship, as a responsible partner would, and he is counting on this.

Another MO of the destructive partner is to act like a victim.  He may complain you are being too demanding or harsh, and you may feel guilty, because he appears to be so wounded by what you just brought up.  You might feel compassion for the “wounded boy” that you can sense in that moment, because you know he has come from an abusive or sad childhood.  You never wanted to be another person who abandoned or hurt him.  On the contrary, you wanted to be the one person who really loved him, hoping your love could help heal his wounds.  In a healthy relationship, safety and compassion does reciprocally help heal childhood wounds.  But, this can’t happen with a person who is not really present.  He is actually emotionally disconnected from his childhood wounds, and has created a false self, or facade.  He can’t reciprocate, and he is counting on your compassion to keep him as the victim and you as the guilty party.

Another MO of the destructive partner is to create (consciously or not) the illusion that he is experiencing the relationship in the same way that you are.  During the beginning romantic phase of the relationship, during sex or fun times, being parents together, you felt emotional connection with your partner that has deepened over time.  When there were no emotional demands, and nothing was threatening his false self and sense of control, he may have felt attachment or even brief spurts of empathy.  Remember, narcissists and socio/psychopaths by definition lack true empathy.  [They are, however, able to fake empathy and emotions!]  The work of a committed relationship – the demand for emotional intimacy – would always be threatening to their false self and sense of control (and deep down they know they are incapable of it).  Empathy and compassion is what causes you to act lovingly, to consider his needs and emotions before yours even when it’s hard, and to do everything in your power to make the connection right.  This he cannot do.  So, when you think he feels love like you do, what he actually feels is a sense of control or power, or attachment to domestic or financial security, looking good, or a cover.  Unfortunately, this is not love.  But, he is counting on you to think it is.

As the destructiveness of your relationship becomes apparent to you, it is hard to wrap your head around what has happened.  You can’t fathom that your partner was not who you thought he was all this time. This person who supposedly has loved you has hurt you more than anyone else ever has.  He has felt comfortable hurting or taking advantage of you, lying and deceiving you for perhaps many years – many years that now seem to have gone up in smoke.  Many years that you believed you were investing your love in a life together.  Perhaps his greatest deceit of all was to encourage you to believe that you were loved.

A person is not one’s potential, words, nor image.  A person is what they do.

Love is not its potential, words, nor feelings.  Love is action.

To get better clarity for yourself or your therapist about whether you’ve been in a destructive relationship, you may open and download the questionnaire from our Resources page.


Comments ( 152 )
  • Sarah says:

    Hi, I’ve been in a relationship for nearly 4 years and things have just ended. I feel lost and scared because I doubt myself so much now. I’ve spend the most part of the 4 years feeling unhappy due to his temper outbursts. The first time it happened I wanted to walk away because he flared up at me in the street over me cooking a chilli but not from scratch. I’d bought a jar of chilli and added my own extras. He started picking fault and I’d said that what does it matter if it still tastes good? Anyway he started ranting about how ridiculous it is to cook using a jar. I wouldn’t have minded if he’d been calm but he was rude and abusive. The second time he kicked off about something equally trivial I was going to walk but he broke down and cried. So I stayed. After that he would kick off regularly and each time would be more vile. Calling me stupid thick etc. I started to realise that the normal relationship rows would escalate into this hurtful abusive name calling. He would harbour things up and throw them back at me often in a twisted way. He’d say things that I’d done/said to upset him but turn them into something else and if I tried to point this out he would shout over me. Once when we were out he critised my driving and then when I said I didn’t want to drive any further and could we go back he started screaming at me in the car park of a local pub with people looking at us. Said I’m a rubbish driver..to put it mildly and that I’m a useless person.
    He also did the same when I didn’t know my around a train station as it had be renovated. I led us to the wrong platform so he throw his can of drink down and started screaming at me about me being thick and stupid. 
    At the beginning of our relationship he told me that his ex looked like a model so he feels comfortable with me because I’m not out of his league.
    There is so much more but all along similar lines. He would regularly kick off at me and dump me then act like nothings wrong but tell me it was all my fault and that I’m lucky that hes giving me a chance.
    Well last night it happened again. We’d recently split up because things were going wrong in his life and he said I just made him feel worse. Gradually we started speaking again and he popped over a few times. We were going to see each other new years eve. I stupidly pushed for this but when texted him to find out what time I should head over he ignored me. So next day I had no clue what to do and decided I’d go even though I’d not heard from him so I LD him I was on my way. He texted back OK but nothing else. Ordinarily that would be enough but I wasn’t sure if he wanted to see me so decided I wouldn’t make that trip. I had texted again and asked if all was OK but he didn’t respond. Anyway when he called he blow up on the phone saying I’m stupid because if he didn’t want me over he’d have said to f off! Kept scouting saying I didn’t say that did I..am I supposed to write you a letter!you’re so stupid and your the reason my life’s been so shit! Why the hell would I want to see you anyway. Said he’d had best Xmas ever because he didn’t have hassle of me and quite frankly he’s bored of me conversation etc. And that was that. I tried to speak but he says d I speak too much and need to shut up. So he carried on slating me and when I started crying he said God here we go.. You always start crying. 
    And forgot to say he has depression and has for over 10 years but blames on me even though I’ve not been with him that whole time. I know I’m not blameless. I get my pmt days etc and we all have our moments but with him a hide this. I had a car accident only a minor one and he wasn’t interested just said oh well shit happens. But if something happens to him you have to be there and listen. He blames the world for things going wrong in his life. I understand the depression to a degree but some of the things that have happened can’t be helped and we all experience it.
    When weve gone out he’s like a peacock. Likes to be centre of attention and is so charming to everyone.
    Lately I kept thinking why is he lovely to everyone except me. And why do I always apologise when we argue but he never does… But then says I don’t apologise. My mind keeps going over and over things and I feel like maybe I am a rubbish person after all. 

  • Amy says:

    I am married to a narcissist for 6 years. We have two children. I love him very much, there is no question. However, every day is a struggle for me. His parents deprived him of any love and affection as a child and now he constantly seeks affirmation. I feel it has gotten worse over the years. He’s so much like a child. He puts me down to pull himself up constantly. His lack of empathy astounds me. His paranoia about our children’s well-being is suffocating. I’m dying on the inside and he thinks we are living this happy little life. I know we need help. But, at the moment I mention anything about therapy he makes it seem like it’s all me. He is never at fault. He can not see the monster inside. I don’t want to break up our family. I want to fix it. But, can he be helped? After years of dealing with a narcissistic father, I’m now in the position of having my husband treat me the same way, if not worse. I’m so lost and alone. 

  • Dan says:


    I discovered your site a few days ago as i wanted to understand the behavior and the intentions of a “friend”. At first i didn’t knew what to search for but when i saw by luck an article on NPD, something clicked in my mind.

    Also sorry if what i write isn’t perfect, english is not my mother tongue but the most interesting information i found on NPD was in english.

    I first met my “friend” (she) at university, we were in the same class.
    She’s in her early twenties, and i’m a male in my twenties. I precise that we were just “friends”, nothing more.

    I’ve known her for one year and in spite of her being very nice and interesting most or part of the time i’ve always felt there were something different and not so cool and perhaps wrong about her.

    I’ve read, listened, watched lots and lots about the subject, i’m convinced at 95 % that she has NPD but there is still a part of me that can’t say if i’m right for sure. So i would like to ask for your advice. And even if she has NPD i don’t know if she is as evil as all the expert say it.
    In truth i don’t know what to think and how to consider her.

    I will describe the situation :

    – I talked to her for the first time in the classroom at the beginning of the schoolyear and what i experienced was strange and quite off, i had the sensation that for a fews moments she was scrutinizing me with her eyes and it gave me the feeling that she disliked me for some reason. Then a moment later as she was a new student at this university she started to ask me some questions about school subjects and exams. I answered but she seemed to be distant, reserved and not particulary friendly.

    – One or two days laters, she was a lot more friendly and asked me to go with her at the administration for a document. I went with her, she was nice and talked about her situation, that she has repeated the same grade two times in another city because she usually slept at home instead of going to university. She added that before she was a excellent student and had very good grades.
    She was nice, funny, charming, happy but her body langage was different that those of my habitual friends. It was as if she was indifferent to me while being very nice on a talk level. I found this a little strange but didn’t cared.

    – As we were working together on an university project she sent me a very well written and polite sms asking me not to accept somebody in the group because this person would was an opportunist. The sms was very kind to me and i was a little suspicious because it was too polite, never a friend has ever wrote to me like this.
    She many times said that she would help me doing the project but in the end she did nothing and i worked all alone several hours on the project.

    -Later while i was scanning a course for her at university, i said to her kindly to
    switch on the computer to see if the scans were ok. She was sitting looking at me doing the scans and didn’t moved or say anything and i felt that she resisted to to what i asked her, it felt strange and quite uncomfortable because it was to help her that i asked that. Later she offered me some cakes but i refused because i had the feeling it was ti coax me .

    – Also knowing that she took the bus everymorning to go to university i asked her
    where she was living and she didn’t answered me, just looked at me with quite a condescending smile.

    – I started to see that she was lying or altering the facts for no apparent reason about very ordinary things. The first time she said she was living in a student residence and later told me and kept this version that she was living in her uncle house. Once i was confused because she told me that she lived in one particular city while few days after she said something that implied she lived in fact in another town. The second time each time in these case she said the truth.

    A few times she told me a lie about something totally unimportant and seeing that i
    believed her she said happily ” You believed me !! I was lying to you !!” And it was strange because she was laughing out loud (like hahahahahahahahaha !) and it was like she had a sexual orgasm at the same time.

    A few times after she talked to an other student she admitted with amusement to me having lied to the student about a trivial thing.

    She also told me she lied to her parent about her repeating 3 times the same grade and when i asked her why she didn’t said the truth she sais ” You don’t know what they will do to me !”

    – I learnt by an other person that she was used to have several facebook accounts with a false identity. On her FB profile there was no photo of her until one day i saw a picture of her smirking and it was strange to me because i was not used to see her like that before. I knew two of her moods : a little depressed, bored, preocuppied or happy and charming and when talking to people and to me she most often had the face of an pure innocent child.
    I told her about her pic on FB, she seemed embarrassed and deleted the pic.

    One day she explained and showed me pics on a party and said i want to show you something about a friend on FB. When she saw that the friend had blocked her on FB, she chuckled.

    It’s not possible to see with who she is friend on FB.

    One time she posted a post saying ( not exactly like this but) ” I’ve a good time at the cinema” and indicating the location as taking place in her native country while i knew that she was in France at the time.

    She often post poems written by others famous writers on the subject of a man being in love with a woman, being and feeling belitteled by her.

    She posted a quote by a sociologist “The world, in truth is a wedding” and when someone asked her the meaning, she said that in society everyone wears a mask to be seen at his advantage…

    – I’ve observed that she was very often scrutinizing my face and my body movements like if she was gathering information and she’s very good a knowing rapidly if another likes her or not. She’s very good at knowing rapidly how others people are functionning. It ‘s the first time a saw somebody do that like her.
    But on another hand she sometimes asked me what i think as strange and stupid questions when the answer would be obvious for everybody. Questions like are you angry, are you sad…

    – There was times when all was normal and she looked at me strangely :
    A few times she smirked discretely when not looking at me, one time she smirked while looking to me in the eyes and one time she did what is called “the stare of death” during one or two second without any reason. And a just after she looked satisfied with what she did and the became perfectly ” normal” like if nothing happened. I found this very very creepy !!!

    – I often had the impression that she was mirroring me, the volume ad tone of my voice, the expressions i use, some of my opinions, the way i write sms…
    For exemple when talking to somebody else she can change instantly.

    – She one asked me if i could falsify a university document that was destined to the bank so that her parents don’t know she has lied to them which i refused for sure.

    – One time she make fun of me because i always buy a ticket when getting on a train while she always cheat when it is possible. She said that if she get a fine she won’t pay it.

    – Two times she phoned me and made fun of someone we knew, and she was talking and talking alone during a long time, as if she was the only one on the phone and laughing in a crazy way like if she had an orgasm. It felt so odd.

    – There was also a strange thing she started doing at the telephone : at the end of conversations when saying “goodbye” and it would be normal to hang up i noticed she didn’t hanged up, i had the incomfortable feeling that she was spying on me or wanted to control something…
    also two times at the phone when she asked something that i refused to do and another time when i asked her a question she didn’t liked she hanged up suddenly without saying anything.

    – She said to me about a girl that hosted her one night “she’s not my friend !” and
    about another girl who was her “friend” she said : i phoned to her just to ask her about this ( an information she neened about exams). I’ve always her talking to her “friend” so kindly but saying bad things about them when they were not here.

    – One day while we had an important exam (that the student can’t afford to miss) she didn’t came at university, she let me a sms saying she was ill and what she should say to the teacher.
    The next day she said proudly that because she had a quarrel with her uncle, he refused to drove her to the bus station and she added happily “we are reconcilied!”
    She told me she didn’t get well with his uncle and his wife because they are not like her and doesn’t understant her.

    – One time while we had finished working at the library, she took my ballpoint to put it in her pencil case, i saw it and told her and she gave it back to me. The thing is that i’m sure she did it deliberately because i saw it inher face and movement.

    – She often ask me things like (with a strange smile ): can you get me a chocolate on this display ?
    Can you ask her 2 euro for me because i’m too shy…
    Can you ask this question for me to the teacher because i don’t dare…
    Can you ask the secretary this document for me because i don’t dare…
    When i gave her the document she told me that finally she didn’t needed it.

    Several time while i was just back home and we were back from university she called me on the phone and said ” i’m at the bus stop, can you come keep me company ? “. I must mention that always when i said “goodbye” to her in the street i felt that she didn’t cared at all and just wanted to go about her business.
    I was usually 5 min late at university and she was used to send sms with written “please don’t be late”, it felt like an order.

    – When we walked together it felt like sometimes she was perfectly following me and my rythm, others times saying you “walk too fast” and one time that i walked on the left side to see something she said with authority “don’t do that, come back!”.
    A few times when a was behind her and she didn’t saw me, i found that she walked like a predator and a robot. This way of walking is very different than when she walks with me.

    – Lot of times when she saw that i was stressed, or in difficulty i felt she was happy, and pleased about it.
    She would said with a chuckle : Are you stressed ?

    – Several times when i asked her a tiny favor she found many excuses explaining why she couldn’t ( the wifi doesn’t work, what you’re asking for is not important, i was late, i promise you a will do this later…). One time she told me an excuse and i as sure she was lying, i looked straight in her eyes and what shocked me is that she showed absolutely no embarrasment and was so convincing that i actually believed her a few seconds. Just after i noticed a subtle malicious smile on her face.
    Others times when she needs my help and i ask her a favor, she is very quick to help me.

    – I’ve the feeling that she is more intelligent and more cunning than most people.

    – One day she asked me on the phone “can you lend me 20 euro for the bus subscription”, i said yes reluctantly because i was knowing her. A few minute after i had the feeling that she would ask for more and i was right. When meeting her she said to me with a malicious voice “i forgot to say that it’s 35 euro”. I gave her 30 euro. What shocked me is that i never saw her like that . She seemed to be a mix of crazy, malignant, high on something, like she was having an orgasm”. I said to her “will you give them back to me ? ” and she said with exhilaration “you don’t trust me ? “. At the moment i thought “she ‘s a monster”, this moment felt like a dream because it was so strange.
    And two days later when i saw her, she was back to normal.

    – Sometimes she acts like she doesn’t care , others times she act so kindly.

    – She gets angry very easily with insignificant things when she thinks that people ignore or don’t respect her. Once she got an fine in the train and she was so upset about it. Six hours after it happened she talked on the phone about how she was so pissed of about it and then when she had told me all she said “oh i don’t hear you well and she hung up.
    Once she said about somebody that he was very kind and honest and could make a good friend. She then called the person for the first time to ask her for an information and as the other person didn’t pick up the phone she insulted him.

    – Some random things she said:
    I don’t care about others
    You (talking to me) have a bad influence on me
    You’re nasty ( when i didn’t answered her message)
    You’re very kind ( when i helped someone)
    Are you crazy ? (when i was upset and preoccupied)
    This guy has nobody to talk to
    You didn’t worked seriously (When we were 4 student working on a project and she was the only one to do nearly nothing)
    Me, am i very kind with others
    Money is important in life, don’t you think so ?
    Wouah, look at this wonderful car (an expensive Maserati)
    I’m so sad, i’m depressed, i see all in black please don’t abandon me (on sms, and when i saw her minutes ou hours or days later she didn’t seems so depressed.)

    – She always talk about her, her problem, her needs, what useful information she can obtain from you. If you tell about yourself she is interested for 15 seconds and then go back to her.
    If you talk about something that doesn’t interest her she doesn’t listen or start singing.

    – When i asked personal questions there were often a pause before her answer like if she was choosing her answer.

    – To a least one of her friend she has lied about in which town she’s living.

    – And a lot more …

    She has good sides also, she’s entertaining, interesting,charming, funny to be around, have a different point of view on things, she has helped me sometimes.
    Can you tell me what you think of her, because i don’t know what to think. I ‘ve always had the sense that there was something different with her, and i don’t know to what extent what she does is intentional. I don’t know if she can be dangerous because objectively, physically she didn’t do any harm.

    I’ve decided to not loose any more time with this person.
    What would you do if you were me, how would you define her ?

    Thank you for you help

  • Deena says:

    It is truly a relief to find this website (through LoveFraud.com). There is someone who I am having difficulties getting out of my life right now. He considers himself to be my Fiance even though I did not accept his proposal.

    Unfortunately we have one child together so this definitely makes things complicated. Had I not had a Baby with him, my number would have been changed a long time ago!

    I met him three years ago. I remember six months into our “relationship” I felt like I had enough of his verbal abuse and threats. He often accused me of being with other men. And around that time I was going through hardships in general and he just made my life even more miserable than it already was! So, I was to the point where I just wanted to die then I would be free from the torture. I ended up not doing it only because I found out I was pregnant. I am just so tired of dealing with him and he is so determined that he and I will get married and be together. Luckily, since the birth of my Baby, I have gotten stronger so I no longer have plans to kill myself, though I still want to be happy. If anyone can suggest to me HOW I can get him to move on with his life without me PLEASE let me know! I am taking it slow and playing it safe because I’m not sure what he has in his mind to do. I would love to also speak to a therapist, but I do not know of anyone in my area yet. He called and texted me several times today pressuring me to move with him and marry him. I have suppressed most of myself within the past three years and I want our “relationship” to end asap.

    • admin says:

      Hi Deena. There is no other direction to go in other than making it clear over and over that you don’t want to be with him or marry him. Tell him you want no contact except where it may involve the child but maybe through email. But if you’re not married he will have less ability to be in the child’s life. Any contact will encourage him to keep pursuing you. If he ignored this you can tell him he’s harassing you and if he does stop you may call the police. He has to know you don’t want him in your life. If you have any ambivalence about that you should examine yourself: what are your vulnerabilities, fears, false hopes. I strongly encourage you find support at local domestic violence program that usually have free therapy and support groups. I run a life group if you live in NJ and a live chat on this site. To find it scroll down to the Services section and click on “live chat support group.” I look forward to having you. I do phone consultations or sessions prepaid also if needed. My app Mind Warrior can help with the mindful connection needed to reconnect to self and heal.

  • Hayley Kent says:

    Hi so good to read all this to learn I wasn’t going mad..

    I am just out of a 10yr relationship with a guy who I just couldn’t work out just what was wrong with him, I thought he was just insecure as he pulled the plug on us so much and then days or weeks later would pull me back in..

    In the whole of our time together I doubt there was much normal about him, as everyone here States the honeymoon part of the relationship was amazing and so wish I had made the most of that. I was flooded with bouquets of flowers and presents and taken to some of the most amazing hotels, he spent a fortune on me..

    His mood swings would then start and I was walking on eggshells from one day to the next. If I missed a call from him he was abusive saying ok I will do the same to you when your trying to get hold of me..

    He would pull the plug on us and play mind games and say he wanted to be on his ow at times and not see me. If I questioned things he did he turned them round on me and then got abusive and put the phone down on me..

    Whilst he lost endless jobs I stuck by him and took him to New York and other lovely places to try and give him something back..

    He gave me an STD and then denies it but must have been sleeping around way before I realised it..

    I have had the worst 10yrs of my life with him which then turned to verbal abuse and torture.. He dumped me just after our holiday together which was amazing.. Another thing his mum always seemed to have to be with us which I thought was strange..

    I have had to block him from contacting me as he keeps trying to see me again.. The guy is crazy but now realise I was dating a physcapath and I am well rid.. Good luck to his next victim….

    • admin says:

      Hi Hayley. It’s so great you’ve gone no contact. So predictable…abusive when you’re with them, they can’t and won’t see it or do anything about it, then when you leave, they want you back to abuse some more. Because they can’t see their behavior and don’t feel anything for the hurt they cause, they will never change. 10 yrs of fraud and an STD is a lot of damage. I hope you can find an understanding therapist. My app Mind Warrior can help in healing. Please join our online chat group on 8/30 if possible. Also check out the London Narcissist support group on Facebook. Take good care.

  • C. Marie says:

    I did what most unsuspecting people do at first, and accepted that his Mother was responsible for his “quirks”. He made it a point to tell me all the details about her, almost immediately. She was, in fact, quite a monster – – and he ended up slowly but surely, showing me he is just like her!

  • C. Marie says:

    I KNOW what the effects are, I KNOW how and why these predators are who they are. I have yet to find a website that actually HELPS those of us who have managed to survive move forward!! No need to bring up the red flags we missed – I need to find my LIFE so I can LIVE again!

  • Martin says:

    Constantly off balance, doubting what I knew to be true and rage, or I should say, false rage, whenever I tried to communicate about the relationship issues that worried me, these things were a constant for 14 years. I finally said enough when my partner screamed abuse at me for a year because I was diagnosed with cancer. Although your blog refers to ‘he’, it’s important to know that it’s not always he. Sometimes it’s she, like it was with my x partner. 

    • admin says:

      You’re so right, Martin! It often is a she. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the story that the person cares little while a person is sick. It seems to be a barometer of the person’s ability to care, period. There is no communication that is fruitful in these relationships. It’s a constant replaying of the “definition of insanity” (as per Albert Einstein): doing the same thing over and over and expecting to get a different result. At some point you realize that nothing works, that you will never be validated, and that is very painful. I hope you are getting therapy or in a domestic violence support group. Please feel free to join our live group or chat on this site. The next one is posted. If you’re in NJ you can join our live group. Take good care.

  • Daniel says:

    Reading all your comments and posts has helped me understand my ex. Who I believe to be a sociopath.
    Before the relationship i was naive and I trusted everyone but this has taught me a lesson.
    He continued to lie to me about having cancer, being evicted from house, being in a car crash, loosing his passport and made a be sene of it on Fb. He was aggressive to me shouting when i told my parents about the cancer. I lost 2 stone within 2 months of being with him. He emotionally, mentally abused me to a point I didn’t know myself. He tried to hang himself in my house and he appeared with a mark round his neck and that freaked me out
    I tried to get away 2 times but he used the pity play on Me and he got his aunt to talk to me. When I finally got away he sent me horrible text messages with suicide threats and a scary picture of a noose round his neck with a text I told u I’d do it. I havnt heard anything from him since. He has changed his aappearance and Im frightened of him
    His aunt the messaged me a horrible message saying that I should be ashamed of myself being such a bad person. I’m trying to pick myself back up again it’s really hard as I still get
    flashbacks and I stress out easily
    He is acting now like i didn’t exist.

    • admin says:

      Hi Daniel. Yikes he does sound like a sociopath. I believe the threats to hang himself are a means to control you. In just two months being with him you lost yourself because of the severity of the abuse. Can you imagine what it would be like after a year?!! In a way you’re lucky he’s acting like you don’t exist, because most of the time they stalk or never give up trying to get back with you even after years. They don’t like to lose and they arrogantly believe they can win you back. So, don’t be surprised if, after punishing you, he tries to contact. I strongly encourage you not to have any contact. I understand your fear if he’ll go to the extreme of “hanging” himself to manipulate you. Please join our live chat on 6/28 at 8 pm EST if possible, it may help you. You have PTSD from the abuse. I would advise a therapist who can deal with that specifically. All the best.

  • trish c says:

    My mother was very abusive narcissistic,  my sister is a sociopath. By the time I was 16 they established what they wanted me to be seen as by all family members, so that none has or ever will have anything to do with the “bad” child. I knew they were abusive to me, but only after being married for 20 years to a sociopath, and realizing my son is sociopath bent on destroying me did I begin to make changes. You can’t imagine the bullying I have suffered, the hateful messages and remarks from family and friends, 30 members of a church my son attends, and my other 2 children have turned their backs on me over 2 years ago- and I just recently found out why they made false accusations and claims that I thought surely they saw the truth I raised them. I left my husband, had to distance myself from my own children, and was on the road to recovery before I’d even left him 8 months ago. I met back up with a man I went to school with who has suffered abuse from loved ones almost the very same. I fell in love like never before, and never having felt really loved in my life by anyone, i never want
     to let him go. I moved in with him and his 2 teenage boys, finding myself in a situation where his sons do not want me here, don’t respect me, mistake my ultimate kindness for weakness, and I suspect abuse my 7 year old jack russell terrier, and sole reason I am alive today. If not for the love and caring of this dog I, it all would have been too much and I know I would commit suicide. My dog was all I ever knew of truly love, kept me strong, hopeful, at peace within. I have voiced my concerns with my boyfriend, but he reacts just as everyone else suspecting I’m acting irrational and paraniod for all I’ve been through. Its been less than 2 weeks since I’ve come to terms with all I’ve lost in my life, yet he pushes me to go out, get things done, stop being lazy, etc. When I think of leaving this bedroom overwhelming anxiety hits me. He simply cannot understand my plight. Reading these stories, I feel I may have PTSD. I have had 2 mini strokes in the past, and symptoms of PTSD I feel everyday now. I have no money, job, car, noone to turn to. If I must lose my dog to go to a shelter, Id just as soon die. I don’t see the point of losing the only love I know in this cruel world to live longer in it. I need help. I need therapy, time to work through this and get back to the uplifting positive person I was before I moved into this house a month ago. I feel like I’m losing my mind. To just have one friend to understand, anyone to help me. I must get out of here so that I can work this out. I am desperate. 

    • admin says:

      Hi Trish. You don’t have to go into a shelter to take advantage of a domestic violence program. They usually offer free counseling, support groups, legal and other services to help you heal and get on your feet. I agree you need time to heal from the PTSD which has been with you your whole life and which you have been replaying since childhood. I knew as I was reading that you had found the love you described so quickly it was going to repeat. This will happen until you heal the wounds and learn to love your child and yourself. And learn how to feel safe in your own body. The Mind Warrior app can help with this. Be patient. This takes time but will be well worth it. I think you’re ready to break the pattern now. Look for the closest domestic violence program, and please join our live chat and/or live support group. Now is the time to learn to stop being a victim and stand up and fight to love yourself.

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