26
Aug

Am I in a Destructive Relationship?

AM I IN A DESTRUCTIVE RELATIONSHIP?  DOES MY PARTNER LOVE ME?
 
I will use masculine pronouns for the destructive partner the sake of simplicity, though destructive partners are often female.


There are a number of MO’s a narcissistic or socio/psychopathic partner employ in a destructive relationship, as a response to your needs, complaints, or issues in the relationship.  One is that you are kept off balance.  You may be feeling desperate and alone a lot in the relationship because your partner has become more distant, disengaged, angry, and rejecting (sexually and/or emotionally).  Perhaps he has even become abusive.  But, if you complain too much or bring up suspicious behavior, you may find he has turned back into the lovestruck partner who wooed you in the beginning, being attentive, engaged, “making love” to you, or giving you gifts.  This makes you wonder if you were wrong about him distancing, or your suspicions.  You begin to doubt your perception as any trusting partner would, and become confused.  He is counting on your trusting nature to do just that.

 
Another MO of the destructive partner is to never take responsibility for a relationship issue.  If there is a conflict, or you bring up a need or complaint, or question a suspicious behavior, he may use escalated anger to stop the conversation, or turn the problem around to something you have done wrong, or say you are being “needy, paranoid, crazy.”  He may dismiss what you have to say as ridiculous, stonewall with silence, or walk away.  He will never admit wrong or have remorse for a behavior that has caused you hurt.  His blaming behavior may cause you to examine yourself, wonder what is wrong with you.  This is because you are willing to take responsibility in the relationship, as a responsible partner would, and he is counting on this.
 
Another MO of the destructive partner is to act like a victim.  He may complain you are being too demanding or harsh, and you may feel guilty, because he appears to be so wounded by what you just brought up.  You might feel compassion for the “wounded boy” that you can sense in that moment, because you know he has come from an abusive or sad childhood.  You never wanted to be another person who abandoned or hurt him.  On the contrary, you wanted to be the one person who really loved him, hoping your love could help heal his wounds.  In a healthy relationship, safety and compassion does reciprocally help heal childhood wounds.  But, this can’t happen with a person who is not really present.  He is actually emotionally disconnected from his childhood wounds, and has created a false self, or facade.  He can’t reciprocate, and he is counting on your compassion to keep him as the victim and you as the guilty party.
 
Another MO of the destructive partner is to create (consciously or not) the illusion that he is experiencing the relationship in the same way that you are.  During the beginning romantic phase of the relationship, during sex or fun times, being parents together, you felt emotional connection with your partner that has deepened over time.  When there were no emotional demands, and nothing was threatening his false self and sense of control, he may have felt attachment or even brief spurts of empathy.  Remember, narcissists and socio/psychopaths by definition lack true empathy.  [They are, however, able to fake empathy and emotions!]  The work of a committed relationship – the demand for emotional intimacy – would always be threatening to their false self and sense of control (and deep down they know they are incapable of it).  Empathy and compassion is what causes you to act lovingly, to consider his needs and emotions before yours even when it’s hard, and to do everything in your power to make the connection right.  This he cannot do.  So, when you think he feels love like you do, what he actually feels is a sense of control or power, or attachment to domestic or financial security, looking good, or a cover.  Unfortunately, this is not love.  But, he is counting on you to think it is.
 
As the destructiveness of your relationship becomes apparent to you, it is hard to wrap your head around what has happened.  You can’t fathom that your partner was not who you thought he was all this time. This person who supposedly has loved you has hurt you more than anyone else ever has.  He has felt comfortable hurting or taking advantage of you, lying and deceiving you for perhaps many years – many years that now seem to have gone up in smoke.  Many years that you believed you were investing your love in a life together.  Perhaps his greatest deceit of all was to encourage you to believe that you were loved.
 
A person is not one’s potential, words, nor image.  A person is what they do.
 
Love is not its potential, words, nor feelings.  Love is action.
 


 

 
Comments ( 148 )
  • Michelle says:

    I am a Brasilian woman, sorry because my english is not very well! I m desesperante looking for answer ! I need to know if his a narcissist or psycophat! Here in my country is very dificult to find good articules about that! And the doctors dosen’t understand What i tell them!  I willl use the Google translate to send my históry! Please, tell me what you think ! My fellings are the same you describe like victims oi narcissists! I’m so depression!!! I Just can’t forget!!! I fill much pain when i see him with another person! Please help tô know!!!! 
    , I need a lot of help to understand if this creature that has passed through my life is a psychopathic narcissist, I will try to be brief, because it is too many details that intrigued me and I ignored it because I thought it was a simple one with no cuddly notion. He was my husband’s best friend and I was just married, I had a gym he enrolled and I was a teacher, we became friends quickly, one day he appeared on Saturday to help paint the gym, I asked myself, He did it, I saw him very lonely, without friends, needing activity, so we were narrowing the friendship I was talking about my life, we started to talk for msn, every day, he stayed at the gym every day all day, everything And my friend, little by little he was present in my life that my husband, we ended up getting involved, he was still there in the gym and went to my house as if we were friends, he was a friend of mine Parents and friend of my friends, at first I found it strange, because we were doing a very immoral business, but I blame myself, but everything was so perfect and the plans were for me to separate, we were to be together, Time in a He said that he took care of my things because he knew that everything would be his day, I saw no evil, I see, he was magnificent in every way, loving, caring, friend, lover, speaking to me, Good morning, good night, he sent me songs that I do not know how he found them but they had everything to do with our relationship, I fell madly in love with him, many people around me told me that he was strange, that it was not right that invasion in my Life of just married, he would travel with us, go to restaurants with us, live at home, play the role of my husband’s best friend too, perfectly. He did not pay for the gym anymore, the places we were going to pay the bill, travel on my own and still bought shorts, trunks, slippers, because he described himself in a very bad money situation  that after he finished with me I saw that it was lie , Went to the United States, and even the bracelet of gold gave to another! I was trying to get pregnant and he asked me to let him give me a son, because we would be together, I laughed, because I thought it was nonsense, he said that my husband did not want children, he was sure of it, because he never Was manifesting about it, he was a little afraid to involve people in what he said because I’m the type that goes on time and asks: you said that ??? This triangulation I think I did not let it work, because I thought he was a liar, he really was a liar, so when he came with something strange I already cleaned it, but he told me about two girlfriends I knew, one of them married and the other was Sister’s best friend, she was engaged, apparently they went out for sex only, they bothered me! Even in the marriage of this friend he was godfather with this Irma, I almost had a section. Anyway, I got pregnant from him, and this was a subject that for some months was not played, I did not want to, I suffered from the shit I had just done, I felt a lot of pressure to separate but no support, it seemed that everything depended only Of me, hj I believe he wanted me to part with him and take care of everything that was mine, but my father soon intruded and said no other man would enter the house he gave me !!! Once he wanted to start a business with me but I did not want my husband to know! He had some weirdness! It’s pm, once I’m sad that I can not handle that situation, and I said, it would be so much easier if people disappeared, puf disappeared, he said like this: you know that I would do something that you asked me do not you know? I kept staring at him trying to understand if he meant that his I had my husband killed he would kill. I changed the subject because I thought I was crazy to hear it, he called my best friend as a slut and the friends who always warned me about him, who are my friends until now, are the ones he hated and tried to denigrate for me. I did not go through the maltreatment phase until he decided to finish, but I got betrayals, conversations that did not fit, after all he had a lot of freedom, I was not with him 24 hours a day! But he did it very subtly, I know that in the middle of this situation I had depression, he said that I was very nervous, maybe it was good to look for a doctor, and when I spoke about my life I was soon diagnosed with depression, An outbreak that I could not live with anymore, that he needed to have life because I kept tying his life and could not solve it myself, I did not feel safe to make a decision like that, I would not have the support of my father and Had a little baby, that he “loved”, that I could not live it anymore, he took me to a clinic and I stayed for three weeks, but everything very paternalistic and kind, when I was in the clinic he saw meU taking care of the gym for me, told my friends that I did not want to receive a visit, when I left the clinic, there was a zombie, I could not take over my gym anymore, I could not pay attention to him anymore, I stayed in bed, More or less, he was strange, he looked wonderful, he did not pay me any more attention, he did not immediately respond to my messages as before, and he talked to me differently, a coldness is a distance, but suddenly everything was fine, I was getting confused and anxious , I was wearing it with that and I sent an email saying that what he was doing was incomprehensible to me, I was suffering from not knowing how to do things, how to separate and follow him and he treating me that way, that I was Insecure and that if it was that way I did not want it any more, it was the suggestion for him to say so it’s okay, you finished with me, I thought it was you that had to end I’m with a deep pain in my heart but I accept your decision to. It was from there, after four years that he started to show all the dark features in the narcissist, until then it was perfect, maybe you asked yourself, geez was just to separate !!! But the fact is that my house was a gift from my father, from marriage, I am a unique daughter and I live next to my father in a large luxury condominium in the interior, he is a shaved foot, resentful for not being rich, very greedy , Got into financial pyramids, lost more than 20,000 of his parents, he is 37 years old and lives with his parents is only child and is God himself on earth for his mother. He uses his parents’ budget and mixes with his and splits everyone, very smart, made a law degree and passed the oab! Extremely articulate, and mind to people looking into people’s eyes, many lies, sometimes coarse things, during these four years, I got betrayed by conversations in the sms and he lowered his head like a child caught making art and said he had not Nothing to see that it was just a conversation, that the cousin gave the girl’s phone to him and I left it there, after a rumor that he called a student to leave and he was very nervous, that could not find out, he stole the My cousin’s business idea and how he saw that it was profitable opened the same thing that did not make it work, do you know these things? For example, a list of goods, he struck his uncle, paying all taxes, at the time of his uncle’s complaint, he would not have the right to do these strange things, an egg that called him a thief and never wanted to see him! I know that after we finished, he showed up at the gym, and I thought he regretted it! I was all happy, I called him in the room he kissed me and we left and we were together, and then the next day nothing to see, we had not come back, this yoio lasted for about 4 months, but it was such an emotional desesperate that I started to smoke, I did not eat, I lost 16 kg, I despaired, crying asking what was happening he said that nothing, I asked if there was another and he said no, but if I were to be happier with him I would get one, Husband and then we would see what to do, began to say cruel things like: how does the muggle of your husband do not see what you do? Are you afraid to be alone? Solve your life !!! He never talked to me that way, I questioned him how you can do what you’re doing, you come sweet, we get together and the next day you mistreat me, you trample on what I feel for you !!! It made him nervous, I know I was suspicious that something was wrong and I separated. He kept circling my friends, going wherever the agent would go and said things like: I had sex all night, I smelled like sex !!! Immediately these people told me, that was not his saying !!! I did not believe !!!! He showed me the picture of the girlfriend that other people told me, told my friends details of this girlfriend so I knew, but I did not believe he could have changed, that was not what I had known. !!! I did not believe in people, but I felt like going crazy. He began to insinuate that I went out with other people, to have a jealousy attack, I asked not to take him out of his heart but the next day I would go into my gym and talk and play with everyone titty looking guy !!! Finally, we separated and kept in touch through the face, in the midst of indirect, and phrases and songs, which indicated suffering, pain, and longing. The idiot here called him, after eight months, we met again, but it was very bad, I I felt used, it was strange, he calls me in the zap or face and was sweet, kind, sends songs, said to be with sdds, but by the time we said goodbye she would throw a LOVING LIFE, of those who translate: sex was Great but for hj it’s just personal !!! He told me about trips he was doing with the comrades, from walks with the comrades, until I discovered that he was a girlfriend !!! But the ending according to it was all my fault,But the ending according to him was all my fault, I finished with him, I left him, I said he would tell gabriel (Gabriel is our son) when I was old, I met a grd love, he says that with that sentence I ended up with him !!! That I never took initiative to separate, that from my side he did not live anything, he did nothing, he lived my life! When I asked about his son, he said that he did not want to know, that no one had ever given him his son and that he really had no weight on the ground for him, that he did not matter. He stayed with me and this girl for a year and a half !!! The one I did not believe in existed !!! I told her, I found out who he was, I wanted to tell everyone, but I could not, I told his mother, but his mother called me a prostitute and I deceived him, I was Woman, she made a face of crying for her mother and said that I had abandoned him and suddenly came in and fury had been swallowing for more than a year that I do not swear love, on that occasion came to get me by the neck in front of his mother! Something I disbelieved could be done for him !!! His girlfriend spent six months in desperate agony wanting him to tell her the vdd, and he said there was no vdd to say !! He gave an engagement ring to her and commented to a friend who could see if the girlfriend would calm down a little !!! This girlfriend had a lot of money, she worked for Tam, he traveled three times a year for free, her father was a farmer, but once she asked me about gabriel I told the VDD and I sent the dna, he denied it, he continued to lie and told She said that if she touched my name again was the end and so it was, the girl feels guilty for the end and lives asking for a second chance, by that time he is already in the fourth relationship, amended, he is not alone !! ! And the ball of the time is a simple family girl, the mother wants him to get married, I think that was the one chosen for him to behave and get married. In a situation a friend who knows the situation pergnated to him if he is not even curious to see the boy he said none. I am a witness to him in a murder process, he killed a robber in my business, detail, a business that I literally lost, I left, I could not concentrate anymore, I lost my gym, he unlocked me from the face and called me on the zap as if Nothing had happened, he called me Mi, he needs my help after almost 10 years, I met to talk about the process and I used to slaughter, I felt that I spent 4 hours talking to him and when I came back I had the feeling that nothing was said, A lot blablabla, he denied looking in my eyes that happened in the oab, and I already knew the vdd, said he does not want to know the existence of gabriel because he is afraid of what he might want !!! That he missed a lot but that he gave me 4 years of his life to decide and I wasted it! He says next, I do not blame you, I’m wrong! He felt that I was not going to testify in favor of him hence he started talking about the father who has cancer and started to cry! Dai said that the ex was crazy that lived in a private world, that did not give peace to him, that he blocked her, that she had a thousand photos of me in her cel, that her rebuke was that he defended me, I was just listening The mimimi! The fact is that when we finished he kept two faces, then he excluded this girl friends and family, hence came another with his friends and family and when the exchange, excludes all !!! And now this girl !!! That is not my problem of course, but my heart is saddened to see that she will have the best of him and what I always wanted, I for lacking attitude I lost it, I lost my sanity, my marriage, my business, I was without Nothing, maybe if I did not have my parents to support me here, I would have been able to end it in my life. it’s him?? Ah he followed, and said so, look you I’m sorry if you think I did something to you !!!! If I think And for ex did nothing?in this conversation he was so paternalist, talking so calma and sometimes desaprove me, i felt like i was craque and no have reason to be nervous! No, it does not do anything !!! The desire to take revenge, the will to tell everyone, I feel so guilty for everything, sometimes I forget the evil and I think I had it in my hand and I did not take attitude is I lost the love of my life and seeing him at Side of a poor girl without having anything to offer, I feel that he is not evil, I did everything wrong and sometimes I think he felt refem, soon after I understand that he is crazy and that will do with this same thing !!! I live in a deep hole of doubts, guilts and regrets, I lost my company because my vital energy was sucked, I did not leave the bed, I did not want anything else. I lost 16 kg smoking all day and tormenting me every second. Separations and boyfriends that did not work I already lived it, but we cry but it’s only a week a month is life that goes on, but it’s been three years and the thing does not disappear not to not solve it does not give me peace and now because From this process everything has come to the surface and I am desperate, I need to know if he is a mental patient who leaves !!!Sorry for the book, but I found you very sensible on the subject, give me a light, tell me if he is that creature that you describe in your videos! Or if he’s just an idiot like many others out there! What I know is what a disappointment of love I had several but never stayed like that, never, that was a devastating experience!
    If you can help me understand! Thank you very  much!

  • Helpless says:

    I need help. My boyfriend well ex now. Has completely sucled everything out of me, I’ve pushed all my friends away and i feel like nothing will evrr get better. I just want him to come hold me and make it all better…but he won’t even text me back. Why…

  • SultrysoulMate says:

    I need some advice. I am with a man and have been for 2 years. He is twice my age, and I never though I could love anyone as much as I love this man. His narcissistic tendencies have actually helped me to find myself in spite of my own illnesses. He doesn’t coddle me and that believe it or not helps me to be a stronger and self sovereign person. I want nobody else but this man. I enjoy the level of control he has over me because it’s geared towards making me a stronger person. Having said that, the man does NOT take responsibility for his actions. At least when he is faced with a mirror too often. I noticed that gentle and slow approaches DO bring about change in his self destructive behaviors. One of which is his addiction to sex. Luckily we are both hypersexual, and I actually surpass him, so I keep him busy on that front. It took him years, to break away from his ex (which he still hasn’t done completely) she would enable his behaviors, and he liked that so he needed to keep her close to make up for the fact that I did not enable him. Now we are on the other side of the country, she seems to have finally accepted his nature in relation to herself (I tried to help but neither of them wanted it because they were both happy to be unhappy in their “friendship” dynamic. I was made out to be the criminal in this situation and I accepted that. So I let the pieces fall as they may. He still talks to her expecting that they will still be the same friends they were before. If I bring up any of his own issues he claims, “Donny psychoanalyze me!” Then takes an angry defensive stance and finds ways to turn the issues back onto me. What can I do to control my emotions in response to his own emotional episodes. Anytime I have an emotional episode he gets angry with me instead of properly helping me through it. It makes me feel guilty for my own illness and worsens my condition usually. However when he has his episodes, he expects me to accept his attitude and deal with it rather than accepting his responsibility. Even when he admits that his behaviors are poorly executed the responsibility is ultimately on me. I have ostracized myself from my family. I have no children, thank god, and I have dedicated my time to us building a life outside of the normal spectrum of lifestyles. This primarily was forced upon us because of his life-shortcomings, and irresponsibilities. I seem to have found myself in a journey with him to try to escape the consequences of his poor choices early on in his life. I love him, I truly believe in this new lifestyle we are pursuing, I truly believe he loves me because he has actively changed his poor behaviors and has slowly been improving himself over the past 2 years. The rate of self improvement is slower because of his age and his life experiences, but he is. At the moment he just does ‘t seem to be able to progress because this new lifestyle is forcing him to face parts of himself that he is attempting to escape. I want to stay, but I also am losing my connection with the love of my life as a result of his inability to accept his own mistakes. Please if anyone has any input, please help! 

    • Sasa Jimenez says:

      Hello there :  
      I hope you are doing well.  I will first state that I typically do not respond and answer to these postings on sites due to the fact that I don’t want to risk any one of my (4) children to accidentally trip over a post.   I have been away now from my Narc since 2010, divorced in 2011.
      My children our now older between the ages of 17-25.

      Your email made me remember back to the emotions that I felt with my Narc Husband.  Now the dynamics are different since my Narc and not a lot of years older…we were two years apart.  
      In Total, I survived the marriage for 20 years ….Recovery started in 2010.  I love who I am today.

      The sentiments and emotions are so warming…just as the thought and ideas of what could  be for you in the future..Your Narc will always comfort you and provide what you want when you want….he will also remain within distance as well and will have a charming way of creating the illusion that he’s gone above and beyond…My Narc husband would do that as well but not as consistently or often.  However – our family’s perception was that I was treated like a queen every morning noon and night.
      Your Man probably is very genuine with his gestures and his efforts to make you feel better.
      It is when you need them in a crisis situation that they will feel bothered and annoyed for having to do more work for you and, my Narc would render comments under his breath about his work deadlines and calls to be make and tons of responsibilities….he was so good that it made me feel guilty.  After all, I was a stay at home mother that had given birth to our 4th child and contracted Strep Throat and Mono at the same time and was ordered to bed for 2 weeks.  My baby was 4 weeks old and I nursed.  
      So my Narc husband’s charming way changed very fast when he realized he had to care for the house, other (3) kids and me.  Plus food….I had fevers of up to 102….it was horrible and I felt as though I was going to die.  
      I kept the infant close by because I was able to continue to nurse and because I had already began getting up and moving around, changing diapers all this with 102 fever.

      My Narc continued to whine about work….then finally said a ‘business trip” just came up.  
      His Mommy was surprisingly at our house within minutes as it seemed ..and off he went to FLA… He left the all the children, snacks and barney tape with the for closed until his mother arrived.  Where do you think my hubby got his Narcissitic was??? From his NARC Mother!
      All I can suggest to you – go with what you feel in our gut and be prepared.  I would stock up your room with water bottles, snacks and other essentials in case you are left alone one day..
         You never know if you fall ill or need more assistance …if he feels he has to put out more, it will piss him off because it would interfere with his day…Always make sure you too can care for yourself.  I hope though, he stays consistent for you.  I guarantee though, he stays consistent to satisfy his needs as a priority…and will continue will always continue.  He is always priority.

      I don’t know what shape your man is in but if he’s mobile and can do work ….you could always be creative and plan it where you know you have special friends coming over and your NARC husband loves that…he loves to show people how He Runs His house doing it all…he had everyone perceiving that including the moms..  This is exactly what I did….then it was my opportunity to come down asking for help…feeling miserable, thirsty and hungry.  Within 10 minutes Narc Daddy was working up a sweat and I was back upstairs finally resting.  I learned how to work the NARC system at home….

      As for the dynamics with the “X”….is this a spousal X?  I suppose and Ex is an EX….although, i would imagine an EX that is his wife may have that deeper connection….sounds like she suffers from a level of co-dependency that she feels compelled to help.  He knows how to manipulate her and says what he says to insure her attention and help.  You did after all cut him off by no longer enabling him….Narc’s will punish you on their terms. tho….so I wouldn’t be surprised that with his X in the home…you will feel the exclusion and isolation.  I felt that and it was horrible in every way…I
      I was never a fan of my NARC and women friends however my NARC did what he always wanted to do.
      I had no friends and if a man would utter a hello, I would be in trouble.  Again i don’t know how active your man is.  But if he’s distant from you – he will continue to be distant from you.  He will give you enough of what he thinks you need and that’s it leaving you feeling crazy inside and alone.    He does not like interference in his life so if your not feeling okay – its gonna make him irritated.  
      What you are feeling are exactly what we we feel with our NARC men…its so typical.
      He will play the Victim role…He will not fulfill your emotional needs…My Narc never believed in “emotions or the stress  that I felt”  He told me How I was feeling..
      Your Narc sounds like he’s been taken care of always which is why he takes no responsibilities..
      I would continue hoping for a future but be prepared for something opposite to your dreams.
      Eliminate any expectations from him….he can and will profess his love or you…but don’t have any expectations from him. 
      I am happy that he’s showing effort towards you but question the X still around.  You will never feel a sense of ownership in your home or between you while some X is in the home too??? 
      Keep you eyes open on that one.  
      Always have awareness and learn to forward think….
      This helped me a lot when I felt the disappointments that I did.  
      Note regarding your family….I will tell you PULL UP YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES..and reunite with your family again.  Don’t let him make you be estranged from them and rebuild your relationships.  Family is loyalty..
      Get rid of X….and NARC has to take his ownerships and he has to learn or whatever.  Don’t be so quick to open your checkbook either….you may at this time think he’s the love of your life….but I believe I read several times that you have been questioning him and how he feels.,,
      And here it is …..When a man loves a woman, she will never have to question it because she will already know the answer!!    A woman will always know and feel the love from a man.
      .
      From a NARC:  if you are questioning him, and his actions have been distant….that is a concern.  When you are sick and feeling emotional and he’s pissed by it….his lack of empathy speaks volumes.
      My Narc husband had his abilities to manipulate me with emotions but in reality,  he didn’t know how to love except himself.
      So listen to your Gut  – its always right for a woman. Stay aware – observe the behaviors….if something is off then some is going on….Unless he’s physically sick..

      I don’t do the “If I had to do it all over…because of my children I don’t do that stuff….however, if I was back at age 25 with no child, I would have mustered the courage once I started to see things going on…and felt my instinct….I would have walked so fast out the door.
      My Narc experience is different than yours i know that…but I was abandoned emotionally by my husband and compared to other woman always.  he made me feel ugly.  I was never good enough,  so many emotional scars i now carry and it took me a solid (3) years with weekly counseling before I felt like a woman.
      I wish you well.

  • Carmen says:

    Hi. I’m in and out of a toxic relationship with this man – I call him the love of my life – I’ve been married twice, the first time for 5 years and the second for 16. I’ve been divorced for about 4 years now and in the dating scene, which by the way I hate!! I so miss the stability and security I had in my last marriage. But anyway, the man I’m with off and on is the most exciting man I’ve ever met. When we have fun, we have fun!! But when we fight, we fight hard! I’ve been catching him in all kinds of lies and he never admits it!! He drives me crazy bc i feel like he thinks I’m stupid and I’m definitely not!! I’m also really realizing he is narcacistic, a pathalogical liar and a sociopath. This is so very painful. I’m so in love with him and addicted to him. I feel like I can’t live without him. I do believe he loves me too as much as he is capable of doing. But he lies so much and I don’t trust him at all. I know I can’t continue in a relationship with him if only for that reason alone. I just feel so stuck!! I’m so weak and this is not me!! Idk how to stay away from him… as stupid as that sounds… I feel like I can’t help myself. I have this overwhelming sadness when we are broken up or fighting and feel like I could cry forever. I need help. Any advice would be much appreciated.

    • admin says:

      Carmen, I think you nailed it when you said “addicted”. It sounds like you’re addicted to the intensity and the insecurity of this guy. He’s in and out and he’s deceitful. Him “loving you ton much” speaks more to obsession than to love. Someone who loves you would never deceive you. Ask yourself what’s the vulnerability in you that keeps you going back to a person who is treating you this way. While you’re hooked in now it can only feel worse down the line and the more time you invest the note it’s gonna hurt. Join our chat for support in this tough process.

    • Tina says:

      I’ve had that relationship for 22 years. The only man I have every loved was “that man”. He had many affairs and is a pathological liar. I finally had the courage to leave for good when I realized that he had been having an affair off and on for 8 years with a girl only 4 years older than our middle school child. I’ve since learned that they had children together all while still married to me. I was “addicted” to him and thought that my unwavering love would make him realize what he had. For every lie and cruelty he rained down on my heart a lost a little more of myself until I no longer recognized myself. I’ve been fighting for a over a year to end our marriage and keep him away from our children. Even though our relationship is over he is still controlling me by dragging this out. You need to cut your losses now before you lose everything that makes you, you. You need to realize that nobody should ever make you feel less than. He will never be capable of giving you the love you want and deserve. Love yourself enough to not allow him to hurt you again.

      • admin says:

        Thank you for those encouraging words. Disgusting that he had an affair with a girl that age. Best of luck on your healing journey.

  • melgoreng says:

    I just ended my relationship with a narcissistic sociopath, in a tragic way. Me and my ex boyfriend were together for 2 years. I loved him with all my heart although I know there always been something off about him. At first he was a kind person who treated me nice, took me to Paris in our first date. Then after I fall for him, he changed to a selfish arrogant and secretive. He won’t let me go and play with my empathy. He did nice things if I tried to walk away and push me when I get too close. He created stories about his bad childhood, past relationship trauma, and how important is his position at work which more like 007 job. He works for government dfat. I really fall head to heels to him. I thought he is a broken man with a good heart inside. If given a chance, I can fix him. I followed him travelling around until one day he said he had enough and left without reason. 

    I still think he needs space and he will come back as it happened few times to us. We never argue, we got along very well, we were a sweet couple. So I thought he wont leave me. But then I fall pregnant 2 weeks after we broke up. I looked for him yet he rejected my phones text etc. He then replied cold heartedly on email saying why should he responsible as it should be my part to make sure I dont get pregnant. He offers money for his way out. He changed like someone I dont know in just in 2 weeks. 

    Few days later I found out that he got married with another woman I dont even know she exists. I finally can put 2 and 2 together. His stories are all lies. He has his own agenda and work through it without even thinking about my feelings. Sociopath has no feelings and empathy. They can not love! If you’re in relationship with one, do cut it off before it scar deep. You will get hurt badly and he/she will never care even the slightest bit. They dont have that capability to care. They are monster and dangerous people. I come to a point where I think my ex should be jailed as he might/will hurt other people, physically and mentally. He is seriously insane and needs help. Now I am so glad that I am off him and hope to not see him again in my life.

    • admin says:

      It’s so great you discovered who this person really is, even though it may be the most painful humiliating betrayal you will ever experience. Getting clarity helps us understand that his actions weren’t because you were lacking. They were because he has no conscience. A shocking discovery though it is.

  • Jeanette says:

    Hi, I think my husband may be a sociopath. We’re in the process of getting his green card and I found a message he wrote to his friend in may 2015 saying he would use me for this. I’m torned between divorce because we started couples therapy three weeks ago and individual counseling this week. Everyone says a real change won’t come overnight. Any advice? And has anyone dealt with the green card issue? Thank you.

    • admin says:

      Hi Jeanette. You might think of bringing up what you found in couples therapy to see what he says.

      • Jeanette says:

        Hi,

        Thanks for responding. I brought it up last week and he said I was crazy and that he would never do that. Now I find he wrote it may 2015. He claims he was just joking, but with all the lies he tells I just don’t know…

        • Rhonda says:

          Jeanette – reread this whole article again! He is being fake until his green card is no longer threatened by you. If you stay in this relationship it will only be hell – it is hell – until he moves on with his life – which I promise you he will. So it all depends on how much you can handle – because this will not last. The only truth he told – is in that letter you read. Leave and never look back.

  • Lee Dobbs says:

    I’ve been in a relationship with my husband for 22 yrs. Now he is divorcing me to be with a younger man. I have dealt with lies about bills not getting paid causing us financial hardship to lies about cheating. I been beating myself up thinking I was the cause because I over reacted to when I caught him lying about bills or cheating. I get no remorse or apologies for his actions of rejections and just plain mean things he would say or write about me I find them. He was acting so sweet and nice at the end get these I love you and I miss you. Then just never come home one night. When I asked him what that was about he said he was trying to make it work But it was a lie. Now I’m wondering if this man ever loved me or if 22 yrs was a fake? He had left before and it seemed he missed me so much he came back so I want to think he did love me or is this another tactic.? Now I have a question if anyone knows the answer, we did meth I did it because he started rejecting me withholding sex why he did it don’t know. But. Could prolonged use make him develop a personality disorder like narcisstic or sociatepath? When he is sober he seems to be more capable of love and guilt. But when he is high he is cold selfish mean manipultive. Please help me . I’m so confused.

    • admin says:

      Hello Lee. Substances can absolutely alter brain chemistry and behavior. Addictions can turn people into cold, selfish, hurtful people. It’s hard to say whether he’s someone who has no conscience and is incapable of love, or he’s just like that on meth. It sounds like he needs help with the addiction before you can access that completely.

      • Rhonda says:

        Sounds like you have lost your self in him. What he is doing / has done is not love. Making excuses for him doesn’t make things better its just a temporary scab. Move on with your life and take care of you so that you will be available emotionally and physically for the love of your life. This man is not it…he only has the key to hell. Learn to love your self and not doubt – you were in love with an illusion. Please re-read this article…then leave and never look back.

  • LostConfused says:

    Four years.  Not too long I suppose.  I look back now and realize all the signs were there.  We started in Nov, he wanted space over the holidays.  A new relationship, I get it.  After the new year, we tried it again.  I didn’t understand why I couldn’t go to his place.  I made a passing comment that I understood, he’d let me in when he was ready.  Couple months later I get the message from his wife.  He had called me that morning and said something about her finding out.  Little did I know that his ‘custody battle’ was actually a seemingly happy marriage.  I thought I was strong.  I was finding myself, my strength again.  I had my kids to take care of.  Then, the notes on my car started.  The ‘I’m going through counseling.’  The amazingly ‘heart felt’ love letters, stating I was his soulmate and all he wanted was me.  I suppose we have our weakness.  

    I let him back in.  Knowing he was going through a divorce.  I will never know how long that took.  From what I piece together now, at least 2 years of our time together.  I made my mistakes…insecurity of all the deceit can drive you to not be yourself.  I flirted with a guy online.  He found the messages.  The anger in his eyes is one that will stay with me.  But the calmness… that was more off-putting.  I blamed myself.  I was weak.  I didn’t feel like the strong, independent woman that I knew I had always been.  

    I wanted forgiveness.  I wanted that ‘love-bombing’ back.  The notes, the hugs, the intimacy.  Overwhelming.  There was always that uncertainty.  I put it off to the long-distance relationship.  

    Then, a year and a half ago he thought he had a mass in his back.  He had it checked and said he had cancer.  My sister had died of an auto-immune disorder in 2008. That cut me to my core.  Knowing the grief of loosing someone you love and thinking that this man was ill.  My sympathy and pity went into overdrive.  Questioning if I could handle it.  Financial problems, I felt like I was broken, my world was in shatters.  I wanted to be there for him.  He was handling it…I felt helpless, hopeless.  Then, this last December, he told me he couldn’t do this anymore, that he was going to die and all he wanted was to be with his son, his family.  Crushed.  Ignored me for three weeks over Christmas, the Christmas we were supposed to be together, to be a family.

    I had to move, job required it.  In January we hit the reset… I poured my heart to him.  I wanted to be there for him.  I had the strength to handle whatever came of the cancer.  He was supposed to retire and was going to move with me.  False-hope.  Future faking- again.  He paid for me to take trips to see him.  We had amazing times this year.  Talking about houses, where his job was going to be, it was for all other purposes, a healthy, relationship where we communicated and made plans.  Talked, hoped.    

    Then I found her.  The woman he’d been planning another life with for the past year at leas.  Since last December when he couldn’t handle it anymore.  The lies all flooded me.  The subtle signs all suddenly made sense.  The new things he had, bbq seasonings, coffee mugs, were gifts from her.  He was wearing the necklace I gave him, the watch in pictures with her and her kids.  

    You said the ‘greater deceit of all was to encourage you to believe you were loved.’  That is the truth.  It’s only been almost four weeks now since I discovered that my love for this person was all a lie.  I’m trying to find solace in knowing that I am capable of such deep emotion.  It hurts, it burns, it crushes me to know that it was wasted.  

    When I confronted him in the blur of emotions that night, all he said was I ruined two lives.  His words when I asked Why? ‘I needed a family, I was bored.’  I think that was the only truth he spoke. He said we were growing apart, we weren’t us…when I asked how did he expect to grow together if he was building an ‘us’ with someone else for over a year… his response ‘good point.’  So cold.  No contact now… so. very. difficult.  But I have to do it.  Do it for me.  For my self worth.    

    To those who are trying to get though this…this… mess…you are amazing.  You are strong.       

  • Michelle says:

    Hello, 
    I don’t know if this message will reach anyone but I’m hoping it will. I’m currently dealing with the end result of having been in a destructive relationship with a narrcasitic woman. I don’t believe she is aware of her narrcasism but it very eveident. We were together for two years and I was her first girlfriend. I knew I was taking a big risk embarking on this journey of someone’s first everything. There’s also a five year age gap as I’m older. In the beginning everything was nice and sweet. She’d come from a broken home and didn’t really have much. I was working on my masters degree and supporting us both. The relationship seemingly became all about her and what she wanted and what she needed. She lost both her grandparents during the duration of the relationship and her alcoholic father threatened to harm her. That’s when I gave in and allowed her to move into my apartment. I felt invaded but I wanted to show her my support. I helped her get a better job, eventually I found her an apartment of her own in the same building I reside. It was like no sooner she was on her feet she no longer needed me. She began to lie to me about everything. She was sneaking behind my back taking to other women. Constantly threatening the break up of our relationship if I didn’t give her what she needed. I was extremely depressed and had really bad anxiety. She never acknowledge what I was going through. For a week straight she lied to my face about plans she had with friends when really she planned a date with another woman. She went on that date and the next day came to my apartment to break up with me. From that moment everything just got worst. She tried to get me back once she realized that situation didn’t work out. She manipulated my emotions and I let her back in. She did this for about 4 months until everything went to hell. One night she showed up at my door and told me she would drop everything if I gave her another chance, I told her no. Things escalated and we got into a horrible fight. I damaged her property out of rage. She called the police on me  and I was arrested for damaging her property. She then proceeded to get a permanent restraining order on me so in my defense I sought one on her. Everything got so crazy, this girl that I loved so much was trying to take my future away from me. We weren’t allowed to speak for a month until the court date. I cried every morning of that month, I couldn’t believe how drastically things had gone wrong. I’ve been going to therapy since the initial break up and right now since the restraining orders have been dropped it feels like it’s starting all over again. She says she doesn’t want to be with me but she’s slept with me, she says she’s not in love with me yet she wouldn’t leave my apartment. I feel so lost, through all of the pain she’s caused I still want her. Or at least right now I think I do. It’s like I can’t breathe without her. She put me last to everything and everyone but I can’t get her out of my head or my heart. I know if I continue to let her in she will do the same thing. How do I keep her out, how do I will myself to move on. I’m physically sick every morning. I can’t eat, my sleep is choppy. I feel so alone without her. It’s like she’s turned me into the weakest version of myself. I want to be strong again.  I’m so lost. 

    • admin says:

      Hi Michelle. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and are still going through. There’s something weird about relationships with narc/soc/psych people. They are over the top intense in a good way at the beginning so that when it ends its devastating. It’s sort of parasite-like. You become drained of yourself as they feed off it so that at the end your self got sucked away somehow. The intensity makes it hard to let go because they present their need and we respond forgetting (maybe wanting to) that they are being false. You might want to figure out what gets triggered in you in those moments so you don’t do what you’ve automatically done before. I hope you can join one of our groups. It will help to talk to others who are going through it

  • Tess says:

    I’ve been seeing a bloke for 4 years his daughter told me to look up this web site cause it’s him all over he kissed my best friend he kissed his daughters nurse while with me he says I’m jealous cause he has female friends on Facebook whom he doesn’t know he used to con them for naked photos he broke it off with me one day the next day he took a chick on a date I found out because my friend worked at the club and told me he was there with another woman he denied it the tried to tell me it was his ex and they only had drinks I know his ex hates him I’ve also lost my kids and family and my friend because of him I have nothing in life now or no one I broke it off with him the last straw was him msg woman he don’t know telling them his single and I seen the msg he was telling her crap I don’t know how to get past this cause I only found out two days ago  of his condition and it was he’s daughter that told me he stop calling me for three days but seen a photo of me and my friend he tried to kiss on fb now he won’t stop ringing me Denys he done anything wrong says he’s never slept wit these woman I’m so confused he also locks his phone and is constantly on it 

    • Tonya says:

      Whether he slept with these women or not (although he probably did if he had a chance) is not important. What is important is that he is not a loyal person and is deceitful, which can never change. If you forgive him, he will start doing it again after awhile. Why would you take such a person back? Do you like being disrespected and unloved? Are you a amsochist. What he has been doing is not just a mistake. That is who he is.
      And you also say that you have lost everything because of him and you are still confused. I am sorry, but are you stupid or? HiThat kind of person has a destructive behaviour for you, so if you do not want to ruin yourself more, stay away from him. Deal with your pain and run.

Leave A Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *